The Zahir

In the midst of my hiatus from art-making, I've decided to re-read an old Paulo Coelho favorite, The Zahir. I have returned to this book various times ever since I first read it several years while I go through different obstacles and turning points in my life. I have returned to it again as I deal with turning points, milestones and changes in interpersonal relationships. But no matter my reason for revisiting the Zahir, I find that it speaks to me for the following reasons:

1. Love Without Ownership: One of the key messages about this book is that we often have this warped idea about love (and particularly marriage) that states that once we're in a committed relationship with that person, we are entitled to own that person:  mind, body and soul. By ownership, I mean that we try to mold and make that person conform into the person we wish them to be instead of accepting them as they are. When we can't change that person, we get angry with them and ourselves. It sounds obvious enough but I think we're continually fed these messages in society and we eat them up like chocolate ice cream. The other problem with our concept of love and partnership is that it is somehow supposed to envelop the other person;  you cease to be an individual and you become the relationship. Throughout my relationships, I've always shuddered at how I cease to be me and I become identified by my relationship with my significant other. It's expected that he is with me at all times when I meet with friends and when he is not there,they see it as a sign that something is wrong, as if being an individual is something to be ashamed of because it signifies that I am truly alone. It has gotten to a point that I prefer not to discuss my relationships with people, even friends, because I am tired of being identified by them and being put on timelines as to when I should be living with that person, when I should meet his parents, when I am to get married, have children, etc. Doing so only reinforces the idea that the person belongs to me. I'll even go further and suggest that this type of "egoic" relationship extend beyond partnership but also extend into friendships and familial relationships as well. 
2. Losing Yourself to Find Yourself: I often find myself fantasizing about getting away from it all, traveling far and away from the monotony of routine to reinvigorate my soul. The problem with routine is that you often switch into autopilot mode without stopping to question if you're happy. This is a concept that haunts one of the main characters, Esther. She points out that people feel afraid to ask themselves that question for fear of realizing that they're not happy and then actually having to do something about it. This is probably another way of saying that people fear change because routine is comfortable and safe (even if you are dying of boredom). It's this realization that causes her to disappear and put herself in dangerous situations as a war correspondent so she is forced to live life more presently. While I don't feel the need to go to those extremes, the idea of detaching from monotony is enormously appealing and much needed, and the thought of traveling and/or doing something new is a great way of losing oneself to find their way back home. I'm looking at my next move and adventure and look forward to it. I've also made a conscious effort to detach myself more from auto-pilot distractions like Facebook, that provide nothing but an endless stream of how happy everyone pretends to be. I recommend it for everyone.
   
3. Conformity sucks: As individuals, I think each of us has the desire to live authentically, even if it different from the customs and expectations of our "tribe" (by tribe I mean our community, families, human society). However, when we try and break free from that, we're often shamed. One of my favorite passages from the book talks about this:
   

The Zahir was a fixation on everything that had been passed from generation to generation; it left  no question unanswered; it took up all the space; it never allowed us even to consider the possibility that things could change.

The all-powerful Zahir seemed to be born with every human being and to gain full strength in childhood, imposing rules that would thereafter always be respected:

People who are different are dangerous; they belong to another tribe, they want our land and our women.

We must marry, have children, reproduce the species.

Love is only a small thing, enough for one person, and any suggestion that they heart might be larger than this is considered perverse.

When we marry, we are authorized to take possession of the other person, body and soul.

We must do jobs we detest because we are part of an organized society, and if everyone did what they wanted to do, the world would come to a standstill.

...We must be amusing at all times and sneer at those who express their real feelings; it's dangerous for a tribe to allow its members to show their feelings.

We must at all costs avoid saying no because people prefer those who always say yes, and this allows us to survive in hostile territory.

...Never make a fuss--it might attract the attention of an enemy tribe.

If you behave differently, you will be expelled from the tribe because you would infect others and destroy something that was extremely difficult to organize in the first place.

We must...go to a religious service on Sunday, Saturday, or Friday, depending on our religion, and therefore beg forgiveness for our sins and puff ourselves up with pride because we know the truth and despise the other tribe, who worships a false god.

...We must have a university degree even if we never get a job in the area of knowledge we were forced to study.

...We must never make our parents sad, even if this means giving up everything that makes us happy.

We must play music quietly, talk quietly, weep in private, because I am the all-powerful Zahir, who lays down the rules and determines the distance between railway tracks, the meaning of success, the best way to love, the importance of rewards.

In other words, conform, conform, conform. If you do not, you will be punished and expelled from your tribe. I love how Paulo Coelho questions this notion in his books and I think this is why he resonates with so many people. Throughout my life, I've felt like a salmon swimming upstream, trying to find my own path that isn't the one laid out by society. When I graduated from law school and realized that I didn't want to be a practicing attorney and told people about my desire to be pursue my passion for art, some thought I was crazy, others were horrified and others even distanced themselves from me. Years later, I'm lucky enough to know that people admire me for being true to myself and feel inspired to do the same for themselves.

I feel that I'm at another crossroad in my life where I feel the shroud of monotony and conformity trying to overtake me and I'm going through my own personal quest to shake myself free of it. Needless to say, I haven't figured it out but am grateful that I'm aware enough to stop and question things.

So as I meander my way about things, I recommend picking up The Zahir, with the sincere hope that it speaks to you in a way that is fulfilling and eye-opening.